Mia is nine. Every Saturday, her family gets pizza for dinner. Last week, her parents decided to order Thai food instead—a treat, they thought. Mia melted down.

"That's not fair!" she cried. "We always have pizza on Saturday!"

Her parents were confused. Nobody was being cheated. Nothing was unjust. If anything, Thai food was a special occasion. But Mia was inconsolable. She refused to eat and spent the evening upset.

Here's what Mia's parents didn't understand: for Mia, "that's not fair" didn't mean "someone is being treated unjustly." It meant "this is different from what I expected."

For some children, "unfair" is code for "different." The fairness complaint is actually a sameness complaint. The child needs predictability, and any departure from the expected pattern—even a beneficial one—feels wrong.

Not sure this is what you're seeing? If you want help distinguishing between different patterns of fairness anxiety, start with our guide to recognizing fairness anxiety in children.

When "Unfair" Means "Different"

Some children have an intense need for things to stay the same. Routines matter. Rules matter. Consistency matters. When something deviates from the expected pattern, it creates genuine distress.

For these children, "unfair" complaints cluster around changes and exceptions:

  • "You said we were going to the park!" (plans changed)
  • "That's not how we do it!" (routine altered)
  • "But last time you said I could!" (rule applied differently)
  • "We always have pizza on Saturday!" (expectation violated)

Here's the telltale sign: the child may be upset even when the change benefits them.

Mia would rather have her expected Saturday pizza than an unexpected Thai dinner, even though she normally loves Thai food. The Thai food isn't the problem—the unexpectedness is the problem.

What the child is really saying when they say "that's not fair":

  • "This isn't how we usually do it"
  • "You said it would be X, and now it's Y"
  • "I expected one thing and got another"
  • "The rules changed and I don't understand why"

The complaint isn't about justice. It's about disruption of expected patterns.

Why Some Children Need Sameness

Not all children react this way to changes. Why do some have such an intense need for things to stay the same?

Temperament

Some children are simply wired to prefer predictability. This isn't pathology—it's a trait. They feel more secure when they know what's coming, and they're uncomfortable with ambiguity and surprise. Just as some people are introverted or highly sensitive, some people have a strong preference for routine and structure.

Cognitive Style

Some children think in more rigid, rule-based ways. Once they understand how something "should" work, exceptions feel wrong—not just unexpected, but genuinely incorrect. The rule isn't a guideline; it's an absolute.

This kind of black-and-white thinking can have advantages—these children may excel at following instructions, understanding systems, and detecting inconsistencies. But it makes flexibility difficult.

Anxiety

Rigidity and anxiety often travel together. For an anxious child, the unpredictable world feels threatening. Routines and rules provide safety. When routines are disrupted, anxiety spikes.

In this case, the need for sameness is really a need for predictability—and the "unfairness" complaint is a protest against uncertainty.

Autism Spectrum

A need for sameness is a core feature of autism. The DSM-5 describes it as "insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior"—including "extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns."

Children on the autism spectrum often prefer predictable routines and become distressed by unexpected changes. Their "fairness" complaints may be one expression of this broader pattern.

Important: Not every child who needs sameness is autistic. But if the rigidity is pervasive—extending well beyond fairness to many areas of life—developmental evaluation may be helpful.

How This Differs from Other Fairness Anxiety

It's easy to confuse rigidity-based fairness complaints with other patterns. Here's how to tell them apart:

Pattern What upsets them What they want
Justice sensitivity Something wrong happened The world to be fair
Anxiety-driven Things feel out of control The world to be predictable
Rigidity-based Things are different than expected The world to be consistent

A justice-sensitive child is upset about injustice to others, not just disruption to themselves. An anxiety-driven child wants to control fairness as a way to manage overwhelming feelings. A rigidity-based child wants things to match their expectations—period.

The rigidity-based child might say "it's not fair that we're having pizza" if they expected tacos. The "unfairness" is the deviation from expectation, not anything objectively unjust about pizza.

The Insistence on Sameness

Researchers who study autism have examined the "insistence on sameness" in depth. Recent research has identified three distinct subdomains (Spackman et al., 2023):

1. Ritualistic/Sameness: The need for objects to be arranged in a particular way. Food must be on the plate a certain way. Toys must be lined up in a specific order. If something is "wrong," the child can't move on until it's fixed.

2. Routines: Behaviors that must be performed in the same order each time. The bedtime routine must happen exactly the same way. Getting dressed follows a specific sequence. Deviating from the sequence causes distress.

3. Sameness in Others: Insisting that other people follow specific routines or rituals. Mom must say certain words at bedtime. Dad must sit in a particular chair. This subtype is less common outside of autism.

What drives this need? Researchers suggest it may be about "limiting unpredictability and feeling in control." Social interactions and daily life are inherently variable—sameness provides a refuge from that chaos.

Tony Atwood, an expert on autism, has described how these routines can escalate: "The bedtime routine may have started with only lining up three toys, but becomes an elaborate ritual where dozens of toys have to be placed according to strict rules of order and symmetry."

The Accommodation Trap

If you're parenting a child with strong sameness needs, you've probably discovered something: it's easier to just keep things the same.

When Mia's parents ordered pizza instead of Thai food the next Saturday, there was no meltdown. Everyone was happier. Why not just... always order pizza?

This is accommodation. And like accommodation of anxiety, it's understandable—but it can make the problem worse.

When you accommodate rigidity:

  • The child doesn't learn to tolerate change
  • Their flexibility doesn't develop
  • The rigidity may actually intensify over time
  • You can never accommodate enough (the world won't cooperate)

Some families "go to unusual lengths" to avoid changes that might trigger meltdowns. Researchers note that "these measures may temporarily reduce children's distress, but they also may prevent children from learning to cope with stress."

The goal isn't to eliminate all routine—children need some predictability. But they also need practice tolerating variation, or the rigidity grows.

How to Help

If a child's fairness complaints are really about sameness, here's what helps.

1. Prepare for Changes

Children who need sameness do better when they have advance notice of upcoming changes.

  • Give warning: "Tomorrow we're doing something different for breakfast..."
  • Explain what's coming: "This week, the schedule is going to change because..."
  • Be specific: "I want to tell you about something that's going to be different..."

The more warning, the more time to adjust. For significant changes, days or even weeks of notice may be helpful.

Visual schedules can be particularly effective—the child can see the expected routine and also see where the change will occur.

2. Explain Exceptions Clearly

When rules are bent or routines change, explain why.

  • "Today is different because [reason]. Tomorrow we go back to the usual way."
  • "This is a special exception. Here's why it's happening."
  • "I know this isn't how we usually do it. Here's what's happening instead."

The child may not like the explanation. They may still be upset. But understanding why something is different can reduce the sense of wrongness.

For children who think in rules, you can frame exceptions as "rules about when rules change." ("The rule is: on special occasions, the normal rules are different.")

3. Build Flexibility Gradually

The goal isn't to eliminate the need for sameness overnight. That would be overwhelming and probably unsuccessful. Instead, slowly expand the child's tolerance for change.

What gradual flexibility-building looks like:

  • Start with small, low-stakes variations
  • Support them through the discomfort
  • Celebrate when they handle a change well
  • Gradually increase the size of changes over time

Example: If the child always eats cereal for breakfast, try offering a choice between two cereals. Later, introduce a third option. Eventually, add a completely different food occasionally. Move at the child's pace.

This is a long game—months and years, not days. But over time, the tolerance can grow.

4. Model Flexible Responses

Show the child how you handle unexpected changes.

  • "Oops, the store is out of the bread we usually buy. That's okay—let's find something similar."
  • "I thought we were going that way, but the road is closed. No problem—we'll take a different route."
  • "The plan changed, and that's frustrating. But we can adjust."

When children see adults handling changes calmly, it provides a template. You're demonstrating that deviations from the plan are survivable.

5. Don't Over-Accommodate

It's tempting to keep everything exactly the same to avoid meltdowns. But this:

  • Doesn't build flexibility
  • Can make the rigidity stronger over time
  • Isn't sustainable (life is unpredictable)

The balance: Hold some routines steady for security. Allow natural variation where you can. Don't create chaos, but don't eliminate all change either.

When a change happens and the child is upset, acknowledge their feelings without reversing the change.

"I know this isn't what you expected. It's okay to be upset. The plan is still different today."

6. Consider Evaluation if Pervasive

If rigidity extends well beyond fairness—affecting many areas of life, social functioning, transitions, sensory experiences, and daily routines—developmental evaluation may be helpful.

This pattern is common in:

  • Autism spectrum presentations
  • Some anxiety disorders
  • ADHD (difficulty with transitions)
  • Other developmental profiles

A professional can clarify what's going on and whether specific interventions would help. This isn't about labeling the child—it's about understanding how they work so you can support them better.

When It Might Be Autism

If the rigidity is pervasive—not just about fairness but about routines, transitions, sensory experiences, and many other areas—autism spectrum should be considered.

Other signs that might be present alongside rigid fairness concerns:

  • Difficulty with social communication (understanding others' perspectives, back-and-forth conversation)
  • Intense, focused interests that go beyond typical childhood hobbies
  • Sensory sensitivities (over- or under-reacting to sounds, textures, lights)
  • Repetitive behaviors or movements
  • Preference for sameness across many domains

What to do if you're seeing these patterns:

Developmental evaluation can provide clarity. This typically involves a comprehensive assessment by a psychologist, developmental pediatrician, or team of specialists.

Autism is a spectrum—presentation varies widely. Some children have very obvious presentations; others are more subtle. Many children, especially girls, go undiagnosed because their presentation doesn't match stereotypes.

An autism diagnosis isn't a tragedy. Many autistic individuals describe their diagnosis as clarifying and helpful—it explains why they experience the world differently and opens doors to support and community. Understanding how your child's brain works helps everyone.

Flexibility Is a Skill

Here's the hopeful news: cognitive flexibility is a skill, not a fixed trait. Like any skill, it can be developed over time with practice.

Children who struggle with flexibility aren't choosing to be rigid. Their brains are wired to seek sameness and predictability. But with patient, gradual practice—and without over-accommodation that reinforces the rigidity—their tolerance for change can grow.

This doesn't mean they'll become spontaneous, go-with-the-flow people. They may always prefer routine. That's okay. The goal isn't to eliminate their personality—it's to expand their capacity to handle the inevitable variability of life.

With time, support, and practice, it gets better.

Learn More

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Atwood, T. (1998). Asperger's syndrome: A guide for parents and professionals. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Kennedy Krieger Institute Interactive Autism Network. Insistence on Sameness. Retrieved from https://www.kennedykrieger.org/stories/interactive-autism-network-ian/insistence_on_sameness

Spackman, E., Uljarević, M., et al. (2023). Characterizing subdomains of insistence on sameness in autistic youth. Autism Research, 16(12), 2326-2335.