The Fairness Burden: A Therapeutic Tool for Children of Divorce

Eight-year-old Marcus sat across from me, methodically explaining his system. He'd spent three hours at Dad's house last weekend, so this weekend he'd need to spend exactly three hours at Mom's to "make it fair." When I asked what would happen if he couldn't balance the equation, his face crumpled. "Then Mom would think I don't love her as much."

Marcus wasn't managing a custody schedule—his parents were handling that. He was managing something far more exhausting: his own emotional accounting system, designed to prove he loved both parents equally.

If you work with children of divorce, you've met Marcus. Maybe he counts hugs. Maybe he tracks which parent gets told the good news first. Maybe they mentally catalogue every activity, every meal, every bedtime story, keeping a running tally to ensure perfect equilibrium.

We recognize this hypervigilance. We know it's anxiety-driven. We understand it's the child's attempt to control the uncontrollable. But until now, we've lacked a simple, developmentally appropriate intervention that directly addresses this specific cognitive distortion.

Olive and the Secret of the Pies, a newly released children's book, offers exactly that—a therapeutic tool that names the problem, provides a memorable reframe, and gives children permission to stop the exhausting work of emotional mathematics.

The Cognitive Trap We've Been Missing

Research shows that children of divorced parents experience increased risk for anxiety, depression, and adjustment problems, with risk typically increasing by a factor between 1.5 and 2. We address these symptoms in our work—the anxiety, the hypervigilance, the emotional dysregulation. We validate feelings, provide coping strategies, and help families navigate co-parenting challenges.

These interventions are crucial. But they often don't address a specific trap many children create for themselves: the belief that love is a finite resource that must be carefully rationed.

This isn't about loyalty conflicts imposed by parents (though those exist and require different interventions). This is about an internal belief system the child develops independently: If I show more love to one parent, I'm taking love away from the other.

The author calls this the "fairness burden," and it manifests in observable behaviors familiar to child therapists:

• Counting and tracking: Hugs, kisses, time spent, activities shared
• Emotional withholding: Refusing to share excitement about experiences at the other parent's home
• Schedule anxiety: Distress about unequal custody arrangements, even when developmentally appropriate
• Guilt spirals: Shame about enjoying time with one parent more than the other
• Self-imposed rules: Internal regulations about what can be shared with whom
• Replication attempts: Trying to recreate identical experiences across both households

From a developmental perspective, this makes sense. Children in Piaget's concrete operational stage can use logic to solve problems involving the physical world, but they struggle with abstract concepts. They understand conservation (the amount of water doesn't change when poured into a different glass), reversibility, and classification. Their thinking is systematic and logical—but only about tangible, concrete things.

When you cut a cookie in half, each person gets less cookie. This is concrete, observable, true. A child in concrete operational thinking naturally extends this logic: if I give Dad a big piece of my love, there's less left for Mom. This isn't faulty reasoning for their developmental stage—it's the application of concrete operational logic to an abstract concept (emotional capacity) that doesn't actually follow those rules.

Why Traditional Reassurance Falls Short

When we tell children "You can love both your parents," we're making an abstract claim that contradicts their concrete experience. Of course they can love both parents—they know that intellectually. What they're worried about is whether they're demonstrating that love equally.

The fairness burden isn't about capacity to love; it's about distribution of love perceived to be a finite resource.

Standard therapeutic approaches—reassurance, validation, psychoeducation about divorce—don't directly address this specific cognitive distortion. We validate their feelings ("It makes sense that you want to be fair"), we explore the worry ("What do you think would happen if things weren't exactly even?"), we help them reality-test ("Has Mom ever said you don't love her enough?").

These are important interventions. But we're not giving them a new framework for understanding how love actually works. We're asking them to accept an abstract reassurance while their concrete operational thinking tells them something different.

The Pies Metaphor: A Developmentally Appropriate Cognitive Reframe

This is where the book's central metaphor becomes therapeutically powerful: love is an infinite stack of pies, not a single pie that must be shared by the slice.

Through a baking session with her grandmother, Olive discovers that love isn't like one cookie that must be split down the middle. Instead, it's like the special ingredient in Grandma's pies—you can pour all of it into every single pie you make, and it never runs out.

In one afternoon, Olive bakes five pies. The blueberry pie takes longer to make, but doesn't contain more love. The lemon pie is made quickly, but isn't less loved. Each receives everything she has to give.

Why this works therapeutically:

1. It's concrete Children can visualize pies and baking in a way they can't visualize abstract concepts like "emotional capacity" or "infinite love." The metaphor operates in the concrete operational world they understand.

2. It provides experiential learning Olive doesn't just hear about the concept—she experiences it through action (baking). This mirrors how children in this developmental stage learn best: through hands-on experience, not abstract lectures.

3. It reframes scarcity to abundance The cognitive shift isn't "stop counting" (which addresses the behavior without addressing the belief). It's "love doesn't work the way you think it does" (which addresses the core belief system).

4. It's memorable and transferable "I love you with a whole pie" becomes language the child can use and understand long after they finish the book. It's a cognitive anchor they can return to when anxiety about fairness resurfaces.

5. It includes self-compassion Grandpa's secret—that giving your whole love to others actually creates more love inside yourself—addresses the depletion many children feel when trying to manage the fairness burden.

The Story's Therapeutic Elements

Beyond the central metaphor, the book includes several elements that enhance its therapeutic value:

Safe Third-Party Teachers Grandma and Grandpa deliver the insights, not the parents. This removes any perception that one parent is trying to get more love, or that the child needs to change their behavior to make a parent happy. The message comes from a neutral, loving source.

Discovery, Not Directive Olive isn't told to stop counting. She discovers through her own experience that she can make multiple pies, each with all her love. This mirrors the therapeutic process of guided discovery rather than advice-giving.

Emotional Regulation Embedded in Narrative The book acknowledges Olive's anxiety without pathologizing it. Her worry is presented as understandable, even thoughtful. She's not broken for feeling this way—she's caring. The reframe happens within a validating context.

Multiple Applications Making pies for Joe, Aunt Sue, and Uncle Bob demonstrates that the metaphor extends beyond just divorced parents. This is particularly valuable for children in blended families or those with step-siblings, where the fairness calculations can become even more complex.

The Gap This Fills in Our Therapeutic Toolkit

We have excellent resources for:

• Explaining divorce to children
• Validating big feelings
• Teaching coping skills
• Supporting parent-child relationships

We've had fewer resources that:

• Name a specific cognitive distortion
• Provide a concrete operational reframe
• Give children permission to stop a burdensome behavior
• Offer language that extends into daily life
• Include comprehensive professional guidance

Olive and the Secret of the Pies fills this gap. It's not a cure-all for divorce-related distress, but it's a precisely targeted intervention for a specific, common, and previously under-addressed challenge.

Clinical Applications: How to Use This Book in Practice

In Individual Therapy

Assessment Opportunity Before introducing the book, ask: "Do you ever worry about keeping things fair between Mom and Dad?" Listen for:

• Evidence of counting/tracking behaviors
• Anxiety about unequal time or experiences
• Guilt about preferring one home's activities
• Restrictions on emotional expression
• Hypervigilance about parental reactions

If present, this is your signal that the fairness burden is active.

Introduction "I have a book I think might be helpful. It's about a girl named Olive who worries about something similar to what you've been telling me about."

Interactive Reading Read together (don't just assign as homework initially). Pause at key moments:

• When Olive cuts the cookie exactly in half: "Do you ever do things like this?"
• When she counts hugs and kisses: "What do you think about Olive's counting?"
• When Grandma explains the secret: "What do you think about that?"
• After she makes all the pies: "How do you think Olive feels now?"

Post-Reading Processing "What do you think about Grandma's secret? Do you think it could work for you?"

"If you loved your mom with a whole pie and your dad with a whole pie, what would be different?"

"What would it feel like to not have to count anymore?"

Ongoing Integration Reference the metaphor in future sessions: "How full is your love pie today?" or "Did you get to give anyone a whole pie this week?"

In Family Therapy

With Both Parents Present (when appropriate and safe) Reading this book together in session can create a shared vocabulary for the entire family system.

After reading, facilitate discussion:

• "Parents, did you know [child] was working this hard to keep things fair?"
• "What do you want [child] to know about how you experience their love?"
• "How can we all help [child] feel safe loving everyone with whole pies?"

This often leads to powerful moments where parents can directly reassure the child that they don't need to keep score.

With One Parent Use the book to help parents understand what their child might be experiencing internally. Many parents are unaware of the fairness burden their child is carrying.

Guide parent-child conversation:

• Parent reads book to child
• Discuss together what Olive learned
• Parent shares: "You don't have to keep things even for me. I know you love me."

As Bibliotherapy / Homework

Structured Assignment "This week, I'd like you and [parent/caregiver] to read this book together. After you read it, talk about these questions..." (Provide the discussion questions from the book's companion guide)

Follow-Up Next session: "What did you think about Olive's story? Did you and [parent] talk about it? What did they say?"

Integration with Other Modalities

With Play Therapy

• Baking play: Use play dough to "make pies" for different people
• Dollhouse: Act out giving "whole pies" to family figures
• Art: Draw or paint "love pies" for different people in their life

With CBT The pies metaphor provides a cognitive reframe that fits naturally into CBT frameworks:

Cognitive Distortion	Reframe Using Pies Metaphor
"If I have fun at Dad's, Mom will be sad"	"I can give Mom a whole pie AND give Dad a whole pie"
"I spent more time laughing with Dad, so I need to laugh more with Mom"	"Each pie gets all my love, not measured by time"
"If I tell Mom about the great day at Dad's, she'll think I don't love her"	"Sharing joy is giving a whole pie, not taking one away"

With Narrative Therapy Externalize the problem: "The Fairness Worry" vs. the child

• "When does the Fairness Worry show up most?"
• "What does it tell you that you have to do?"
• "Now that you know about whole pies, how could you respond to the Fairness Worry?"

Timing Considerations

Optimal Intervention Points:

Early Post-Separation (3-12 months) This is when fairness behaviors often first emerge as children try to make sense of the new family structure.

Before Major Transitions Introducing the metaphor before a parent remarries, a new sibling arrives, or custody arrangements change can provide a framework for managing increased complexity.

When Fairness Behaviors Are Observed Don't wait for it to become entrenched. If you notice counting, tracking, or anxiety about equality, introduce the book.

Preventively Even if fairness behaviors aren't prominent, the book normalizes the experience and provides language for feelings the child might not have words for yet.

The Professional Guide: What Sets This Apart

Most children's books about divorce are well-intentioned but therapeutically shallow. This book includes a comprehensive professional guide that demonstrates the author's clinical awareness.

Critical Safety Warning The guide explicitly states: "The story presumes both parents are safe and loving. It offers no framework for a child to process a situation where a parent is unkind, neglectful, or frightening."

This is crucial. The "whole pie" message could inadvertently encourage a child to extend loyalty to an abusive parent. The guide recommends framing love to be "gentle and inclusive of safety and kindness" in these situations.

Parent Psychoeducation The guide offers specific language for parents:

• At handoff: "Love your [parent] with a whole pie"
• Create predictable rituals: A "love pie" doodle in the backpack
• Avoid asking children to compare or report on the other home
• Model neutral, respectful language about the other parent

This transforms the book from a one-time reading into an integrated family practice.

Beyond the Book: Extending the Metaphor in Ongoing Treatment

Once established, the pies metaphor becomes a rich clinical tool:

Emotional Check-Ins

• "How full is your love pie today?"
• "Are you feeling loved by others today?"
• "How much love are you able to give today?"

This language helps children:

• Recognize that capacity for love varies (tired, stressed, sick = smaller pies)
• Understand that receiving love helps create love (being filled up)
• Notice when they're depleted and need replenishment

Self-Compassion Work

• "What's a recipe for giving love to yourself?"

This extends the metaphor to self-care—children can bake a pie for themselves.

Relationship Exploration

• "Who in your life gets whole pies right now?"
• "Is there anyone you wish you could give a whole pie to but feel like you can't?"
• "Is there anyone you feel like only deserves a small slice?"

The last question is particularly revealing—it can uncover legitimate safety concerns, unresolved anger, or places where the child needs support in navigating complex relationships.

Creative Interventions Building on the Metaphor

Art Therapy Integration

• Create actual pie illustrations for different people
• Use color to represent different "flavors" of love for different relationships
• Make a "love pie cookbook" with different recipes for different ways of showing love

Sensory/Somatic Work

• What does a "whole pie" feel like in your body?
• Where do you feel it when your pie is full vs. empty?
• What helps refill your pie?

Play Therapy Extension

• Toy kitchen play with pie-making
• Puppet shows where characters learn to make whole pies
• Sand tray with pies representing different relationships

Parent Coaching Using This Framework

For Parents in Session "Are you using 'parent brain' or 'ex-partner brain' right now?"

This question from the guide is brilliant. It helps parents notice when their own unresolved feelings about their ex are interfering with their child's wellbeing.

Helping Parents Give Whole Pies Some parents are themselves depleted and struggling to parent fully. The metaphor helps them understand:

• Your child's love for ex-partner does not diminish their love for you
• You can love your child with a whole pie even when you're tired
• Your child needs your whole love more than they need elaborate activities

School Collaboration Share the "whole pie" language with school counselors and teachers working with the child. This creates consistency across environments and helps the support team notice when fairness anxiety is emerging.

Implementation in Your Practice

This book works best:

• When both parents are safe and loving
• As part of a broader therapeutic approach
• With therapeutic processing, not just independent reading
• When the fairness burden is actively present
• With parental involvement and support

Immediate Steps:

1. Get notified when the book is published, then buy copies for your office library
2. Access the free companion guide
3. Review the guide before using with clients
4. Assess current clients for signs of fairness burden
5. Integrate into treatment planning where appropriate

Integration:

• Add "fairness burden" to your standard divorce assessment questions
• Train supervisees and colleagues on recognizing the pattern
• Share with school counselors working with your clients
• Include in parent psychoeducation sessions
• Reference in treatment plans and progress notes

Conclusion: Permission to Stop Counting

The fairness burden is exhausting. Children carrying it are working constantly, hypervigilantly, anxiously trying to keep perfect balance. They're doing this with love—trying to protect their parents, trying to be good children, trying to do the right thing.

What they need is permission to stop and a framework that makes stopping feel safe and right. The pies metaphor gives them that. It says: You can give all of your love to each person. You don't have to measure. You don't have to count. You don't have to keep score. Love doesn't work the way you think it does—and that's wonderful news.

In a field where we often work with complex, multifaceted challenges that resist simple solutions, it's refreshing to have an intervention that is simultaneously simple and profound. Simple enough for a seven-year-old to understand. Simple enough for adult parents to grasp. Profound enough to shift a core belief system.

That's the gift this book offers young clients—and those of you who work to support them.